MARAUDERS! AND LYK, MARSHMALLOWS!
by evizyt
Summary: O-M-G GUYZ, PETER LYK TTLY STOLE MY MARSHMALLOWZ!" A parody of fics depicting James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin without Peter! A beautiful fic of hilarious marauder-ness JPLE and lots of common author mistakes! lyk r&r pleez, i suk at summareez


**A/N: PARODY! PARODY! YAY! Ahhh, so much fun! I really enjoy mocking bad fics. So here is the mocking epitome of a bad fic. I focus a bit on Peter—think of him as my funnel—because he really is quite abused. Other than that, enjoy!!**

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**(a parody A/N) omgz guyz lyk I suk at sumrees bt plz jst r&r LyK fOr ReAlZ cuz I promece its rlee gd. **

In which the author victimizes Peter Pettigrew (atrociously) because he is later responsible for the deaths of her two favorite characters. So in payback she makes him either a) fat, b) ugly, c) stupid, d) non-existent or e) some combination of all of the above (occasionally all four, and she will state in the A/N that she hates fat, stupid, ugly Peter and he simply won't be in the story. Because it's completely normal to take things out of canon like that.)

And so after we find out whether or not some combination of ugly/fat/stupid Peter exists, it is usually safe to say that he appears only spontaneously and/or erratically, mainly to look stupid when Remus, who is lyk totalz incred, says something really smart, and needs to victimize someone. He is also available for whining, moaning, whinging, turning in to a rat, bullying, and eating some large amount of unhealthy food which usually turns out to belong to Sirius, inspiring the rambunctious teeny-bopper adolescent girl who is forced in to Sirius to hop around after him and scream in a falsetto voice that "PETER STOLE MY MARSHMALLOWS!!" with far too many exclamation points than should be allowed by any decent authoress. Consequently, after the incident of the marshmallow stealing, all the Marauders will realize that Peter is inherently evil, he will suspiciously sneak away from meetings with Slytherins, and the readers will wonder how the other three Marauders (who are numerously referred to as the brightest in their year, not to mention Lily Evans,) are stupid enough to allow him to be James' secret keeper.

Strangely enough, this is where our story begins.

"LIKE O-M-G YOU GUYZ PETER TOTALLY STOLE MY MARSHMALLOWS!!" Sirius Black screeched in an abnormally high falsetto for a teenage boy. He jumped up and down, because what else can the author do with him? And eventually bounded off somewhere in the general direction of where Peter was chowing down on the stolen sweets. "HE IS ALSO FAT, UGLY, STUPID, AND BETRAYS US ONE DAY!!" Sirius sang in the same extremely ear-piercing pitch (because the author has forgotten, in her mission to make him in to a teenage girl, that he can also speak normally,) just in case the reader didn't know that going in to the story.

"In fact," said Remus bookishly, looking up from (SURPRISE!! The authoress shrieks, with too many exclamation points) his book, in between exasperated frowns towards Sirius which show his immense maturity, "why is he even in this story? Don't we all subconsciously hate him, anyways?"

Sirius, who apparently has a brain-cell quantity of one, chooses to ignore Remus' digression, because most authors apparently decide that he has some version of undiagnosed ADHD, continues bouncing around like a bunny rabbit on steroids, occasionally shouting something at Peter, who complacently eats through all the marshmallows he has stolen from Sirius (despite the fact that they are a muggle food, hyper!Sirius nevertheless has a rather astonishingly large collection from which Peter steals.)

Break in the extremely stimulating dialogue for a description of Peter. He is fat, ugly, short, watery-eyed, kind of looks like a rat, possesses many qualities of a rat, turns out to be a rat (why hasn't anyone GUESSED that his animagus is a rat, yet?) and then, shock of shockers, his ANIMAGUS is a RAT, and also he is secretly in love with Lily/Snape/Voldemort/James/Sirius/Remus and harbors a grudge against the remainder. Insert long, nasty anti-Peter rant here, where the author develops a small amount of character in order to reveal more made up flaws. Peter has a flabby stomach, is a greedy pig who eats too much food, falls asleep in every class, has bad breath, has sweat stains on his shirts, is always nervous, has secret trysts with Slytherins, such as Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange, despite the fact that they were definitely not at Hogwarts at the same time as him, and is also in general a horrible person responsible for everything that goes on.

At this point, there is a break for indignant readers to question HOW in the WORLD could those stupid, thick, crazy, hyper Marauders ever be friends with this complete LOSER (the author screams in vindication for the deaths of the two hottest characters,) and end up TRUSTING him with their LIVES. A lot of resentment is randomly flung at Peter, such as all the reasons Lily hated James being explicitly his fault. And so when the author gets bored of victimizing him Lily can love James and it's all good.

After the teenage girl reader has a hate fest against Peter, the author will now ensure that everyone is aware that he will never EVER fall in love or have a date. He will ask a girl out only to get flung on his FACE and rejected, and all the teenagers will SCREAM with rightful anger. Then, just to show how much better then Peter he is, Sirius will stop bouncing for a minute to wink at a girl, who will collapse in a heap, but the awesome Sirius Black will bounce over and catch her BEFORE SHE EVEN FALLS and she will love him so much and shag him like a bunny, even though most of the time he is preoccupied with acting like a six year old.

James, after some period which the author deems respectable to moon, mope, and yearn after Lily Evans, will finally have an ultimatum with her over the course of which Lily will think things like

"o-m-gz how did I not recognize that his quidditch toned body is teh SEX!" despite the fact that nobody, nowhere, ever had a quidditch toned body, and James is not even in a towel with beads of water dripping over his washboard abs. (The author quickly rectifies this mistake, and makes him coming out of the shower in their JOINT BATHROOM which doesn't exist, but authors have handily made up 'Heads Rooms' as a device for throwing Lily and James together some more, just in case they can't make it on their own.

END OF CHAPTER WON

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**Lyk omgz guyz wuznt dis jst lyk da SHITE!? Plz plz review lyk ttly, plz? **


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